


Ache

by Trash_Lord



Series: Author vents through haikyuu charecters [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: And really badly written, Gen, Idek if it makes sense, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, More vent fics, My apologies if it doesnt, This is really sad, i guess, yay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-12
Updated: 2016-05-12
Packaged: 2018-06-07 22:18:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6827422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trash_Lord/pseuds/Trash_Lord
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My name is Yaku Morisuke and I'm going to tell you why I killed myself and how it felt for me to reach this point.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ache

My name is Yaku Morisuke and I'm going to tell you why I killed myself, how it felt for me to reach this point. 

It starts as an ache in your chest. Then it spreads. It feels like it's in your organs and in your throat.   
The ache gets deeper, harder to ignore (so does the desire to die).   
You don't really try to fight it, you give yourself into it. Let yourself wallow in the feeling, in the thoughts of death, just lay there and feel the ache. 

At some point you try to lessen the ache with physical pain. 

It isn't enough.   
It's never enough.   
You want to cut deeper and deeper and bleed more and more and it'll never be enough.   
Your desire will never be sated until you finally bleed out.   
Your blood will take the ache with it. 

And then finally the ache will stop. 

But until then, it spreads.   
Sometimes it feels like it's in your arms and legs. Sometimes it gets hard to move and breath (you don't want to). 

Sometimes you try to end your life (you wish it would just work already).

You confuse yourself.   
You think you deserve death because you're awful, but you crave death, and so really wouldn't you deserve to live with the ache?  
But only good people deserve to live right?  
You don't know (you know you want to die though). 

You don't tell anyone about the ache, they don't need to know (they don't need to know about the scars and cuts either)  
You don't tell anyone about the suicide attempts, because then they'd try to /help/.  
But they'd do the opposite of what you want.   
You want to die not get help.   
(Unless they're willing to help you off yourself. That'd be okay)

Sometimes the ache isn't as bad, sometimes you can ignore it and you think you'll be okay. But then you'll have a passing thought about killing yourself.   
And you realize. You realize that's not /normal/.   
When people are okay they don't think about killing themself, they don't have the constant want for death.   
And then the ache spreads again.   
It feels like it's choking you, crawling up the back of your throat and into your brain where it whispers cruel words and you have to decide if it's worth it to try and block the loud words out with louder music.   
People don't understand.   
They don't understand why the music helps. Why it keeps you grounded.   
It's easier for them to understand why you cope with music than why you cope with pain though. 

At some point in your life you realize how pointless your dreams are. You realize how you'll never reach them no matter what you try.   
And that makes the ache worse.   
You'll think about being 7 and ambitious.  
You'll think about being 9 and thinking you can do whatever you want as long as you belive in yourself, because that's what people say (it's bullshit).   
You'll think about being 5 and the creativity you used to have, the hope you used to have, and that makes the ache worse too. 

You'll sit in the car and look out the window and remember the time you thought you could be an artist and paint the sky's on every canvas and your ribs will ache because you'll also remember the first time you looked at your own art and thought   
'God.. this is awful' and destroyed it. 

You'll look in the mirror and think about the last time you were able to look in the mirror and like what stated back (you don't remember. You're not entirely sure it ever happened). 

At some point in your life you realize that nobody ever stays.   
All your friends leave eventually and you're not truly good enough for anyone.   
Not even yourself. 

At another point, probably pretty early in your down spiral, you'll realize that nothing really interests you, you'll pretend that they still do though so no one thinks anythings amiss. At that point you'll probably also realize that humans are easily fooled

And then finally you'll hit your breaking point and the suicide attempt will finally work.   
It'll be your last one.   
The ache will quit (so will your heart).   
And you're so /glad/ because nothing hurts anymore. 

My name was Yaku Morisuke and that ache is the reason I killed myself.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope this actually makes sense to people who aren't me.   
> \- Eli (Trash_Lord)


End file.
